I just read this somewhere and it set me thinking. Well, it’s a situation that’s neither new nor exclusive. Neither is it something that has not been written about, but maybe it’s still sometimes good to renew the debate.
Why do women have to fight against the odds all the time?
This incident that i read about revolved around one of us, women, which should be obvious if I am going to write on a woman-centric topic. It was that the protagonist in this story, a girl, had worn a saree. Now, by itself, wearing a saree would not mean a thing but now herein lays the catch. A saree is a garment which can be worn in several ways. One can drape it in such a way that it becomes just a garment to cover oneself with or it can be worn in a very sensuous way to highlight and accentuate the wearer’s obvious and not so obvious charms. This girl did the latter, and hence became the subject of photography for some passer by on the road who then had the audacity to upload this picture on the net. When the girl knew of it she did not go to the police for reasons that I am sure all women will relate with.
So… is this an isolated event? No, women everywhere have faced this male gaze not once, not twice but for as long as they began to be aware that they belong to the female species in this world. There are many facets to this issue. I would want to be able to look at all angles dispassionately and without a tag of being stridently feminist. Sometimes feminism is also much maligned because of people practicing it with no other rationale than to stir up a controversy for controversy’s sake. I think it would defeat the very purpose of feminism.
First we look at the girl in question. What might have been the factors overt and covert that she became a subject for this male gaze?
She was in the prime of youth. Secondly she was wearing a saree which is not normally “the” attire for the youth of today. Thirdly, she had worn it in a way to draw attention to herself. One can’t help but stop to watch a beautiful, young woman draped in a saree which does little to hide her charms. I am sure that as women, even we look at other well dressed women. After all isn’t the human species the only one where the female gets to wear all the colours? So it is the woman’s prerogative to highlight or refrain from doing so… her charms, when she can. After all dressing well and being noticed also gives one a sense of confidence that one can make a difference. But this is where all the positives become negatives. While it is true that women dress to look their best which includes getting noticed, they do not want to be the object of some unknown person’s lustful gaze. Admiration for a thing of beauty is hugely different from looking at the same object of beauty with an intention to exploit.
This person on the road was not authorized firstly to take someone’s picture without their consent and horror of horrors he had no business to upload the result of his first transgression. It amounted to stripping the unsuspecting girl and snatching her fundamental right. But the sad part of this atrocity is that had the girl gone to the law keepers to complain it would have back fired on her because it is the generally the norm to dismiss such a complaint saying that it was she in the first instance who drew attention to herself by the way she dressed. Else at worst…. There would be a snigger and smirk and a slip shod complaint registered which would never have seen the light of day.
But this brings us to the point. How long can we keep quiet about the covert abuses that we as women condone and pardon at the cost of our own self esteem each day? The wandering hands in crowded buses, the whistling calls at roadside hang-outs, the stripping gazes from onlookers on the streets…. When can we say enough is enough and not fear that we will not be targeted at a later time? For most of us women, and here I speak of a very Indian phenomenon… many a time we keep from giving flamboyant expression to our beauty for fear that we will be misunderstood. We are consumed by the fear that we will be considered amorous pleasure seekers, and objects who dress up just to titillate.
We are afraid to come under the male gaze.
On the flip side however, I think we women do a great disservice to ourselves by accepting and becoming party to perpetuating this opinion of men by accepting in our various mass media entertainment mediums to depict ourselves as objects of consumption of the very base kind. I add this dimension to just say that we are not making it any easier for ourselves by agreeing to this manner of portrayal of our own tribe.
To conclude, let woman be the embodiment of Shakti, let her be the epitome of beauty, let her be the repository of knowledge, let her be the giver of life and let her be a harbinger of prosperity. We have in our culture such a revered place for women. Where and when did we dilute the image of that woman? When did we relegate that same woman to the position of an object( though i desist that word) to be leered at and exploited? Men and women, isn’t it time we asked ourselves this question?
Shalini Puthiyedam is an engineer, NGO volunteer, teacher, French linguist, amateur singer, home maker and a world citizen who has aspirations for a just and equal world. You may wanna follow her @shalinipv
Pic by Thishya Weragoda
Tags: gaze, ogle, saree, sensual, stare
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Bringing back from the back burner http://bit.ly/da8aE
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Well, it’s a good post and I see your point. As a woman, I’ve faced such problems when I used to wear jeans and tops to colleges..and my features were a little prominent. After sometime, I got used to the guys’ teasing me hottie and milk tanker, and decided to wear sarees and lose salwars to college. Never did I think of being bold, and being/accepting what I am.. now I should re-think..but, this will never stop as long as women portray themselves as objects of pleasure on movies.
Hi Srimathy.
I feel terrible to read of the comments that you have had to deal with. This is what we do always… conform and acquiesce so that we are safe. I am sure many others out there will have the same kind of experiences to narrate. Thank you for taking time to read and leave your comments here. I hope we’ll be able to become agents of change.
@renjithps Here u are then http://bit.ly/da8aE
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Dear Shalini,
Once again, another attempt of yours to open many pretend-to-be-closed eyes.
I happen to feel a deja-vu when I read the third paragraph. I know few “personalities” who talk bad about saree, but wear only sarees!
Though I am an ardent fan of movies, I must say, in relation to your subject, that movies have potrayed sarees in a very bad and obscene manner. Yes, sarees can be draped in a traditional manner as well as in a movie manner!!
The new generation is over-exploiting the technological advancement, and a clear upshot we see is the dreadful and ever increasing rate of suicides of teenage girls and other atrocities towards teenage girls and young women. The new generation is not focussing on their responsibilities as a good child/good sibling/good citizen/good human being. Is it because, there are lot of restrictions in this part of the world??
As an anecdote or example, stolen laddoos are sweeter than laddoos knowingly given to you!
May this initiate a thought process in all readers!
Many thanks,
Renjith Sarada
Bringing back from the back burner http://bit.ly/da8aE
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Nicely portrayed! I like the way it opened up with the lady wearing a lowhip saree (aka sensual) and how she became a portrait on a pricks camera on the road, and how women are being submissive to ’silence’. Point taken! But, I think today’s women are a lil different from the saree-wearing-God-fearing clan. I know a lot of friends who wear tight low-hip jeans and body hugging tops. Don’t even go to the movies, just visit some high class MNC. Well, I think girls now think they must be showpieces if they need to get a boyfriend..and they hate the word ’single’. Call me male chauvinistic, but this is the fact in most cities in India. We all play a double game, even women are perverts these days. Do you agree?
Hi Daniel.
Trust me, I din’t want this to open up a debate on the male chauvinism and feminism here.:-) I was just trying to bring back into the public domain a problem which girls do face. You will also not disagree that it is a real and serious problem. There are many facets to it and my piece just happened to be about a saree clad lady. Actually I am very very thankful to auntie mandy below. Her comments are the observations of a person not from an Indian milieu and she is able to look at it with some level of objectivity. Trying to acquire a boyfriend is one thing and being a subject of obscene comments, gestures is quite another. I did not wish to call either men or women perverts. There are those of course in both sexes but I was just throwing the question as to how can we deal with this. Courtship is a game which is played out in all species and in that respect we are not different. But exploitation is something very peculiar to our species alone, dont you think?
A note to Srimathy! I do not know how old are you, may be elder to me, so please consider this as a suggestion, else advice. Need not worry, please forget the past and march ahead, with confidence. Consider those teasing statements as blabbering of some immature patients suffering from nervous breakdown and also suffering from poor eye sight, unable to distinguish between mothers, sisters and own wives!!
Appreciate your courage in sharing your thoughts.
Best Regards,
Renjith Sarada
Hi Renjith,
Thank you once again for your support to Srimathy and your thoughts on this topic. Being from the other side of the fence its good to see that you understand the dimensions of this problem.
This is a most interesting topic. First, because I came to know one of the authors one this website through a conversation about modesty in Indian dress. At the time I was strangling myself with my dupata, with little idea of how on earth it was to contribute to my modesty. Having taken my knowledge of Indian dress from the Internet (mostly movies), I had no idea that I was wearing it incorrectly. He was kind enough to explain, for which I am eternally grateful. There’s nothing like inadvertantly projecting the wrong image.
As for the balance between looking good, being desired, and being interpreted as ‘easy’, well, it’s complicated. I firmly believe that a woman should be able to wear what she likes without suffering inappropriate touching, groping, comments, etc. However, if you are aware of the image you are projecting, and are intentionally projecting an image that will gather negative attention, then you must expect this sort of thing to occur. So the questions are: was the young woman aware of the image she was representing (and if not, why didn’t one of her friends, mother, etc. tell her?), and could she handle the attention that it got her? I think that if she was very young, then she may have been experimenting, and unfortunately made a poor fashion choice. It’s very hard when you are young to understand the power of attraction and the beauty of your own youth and balance it against the negative connotations that society can project. If she knew that she would be seen as ‘easy’ etc, then does she have the fortitude to handle it? Is she consciously going to combat the negative attention with wit, independence, and intelligence? I fail to believe that men will not find certain charms attractive (and under the right, respectful, circumstances, this is awfully nice) and that some men will use this to fuel thier own perversions. Should we dress to avoid thier negative thinking? Of course not. But neither do I wish to deal with it on a daily basis. So, perhaps to some degree I do conform. Like I said, it’s complicated.
Lastly, just one note on sarees. Indian women are the most graceful feminine women I know, being able to sit on a motorcycle sidesadle with several yards of beautiful fabric draped just so. I own three sarees now and everytime I wear them (with much help, I admit) I am impressed again by the intricacies and meaning of the garmet. And how hard it is to walk without living in fear that the whole getup is about to fall down around my ankles. Kudos to those who can be feminine, beautiful, strong, and true to themsleves. And shame to those who do not respect themselves or others.
be arroused by images of beauty, much as women may be
Hi Auntiemandy.
Your comments are extremely clear and well expressed. I presume you are not an Indian and hence you have been able to look at this subject with objectivity. There’s so much that can be discussed in your comments and I really appreciate the lucid manner in which you have touched upon this subject. I am sure you will be able to write another version of this same subject with a great degree of clarity and simplicity.
Thank you for your valued comments.
It is a paradox that when a few women are storming every possible male bastion to the extent that there are hardly any gender specific or stereotype roles, there are many women who have a heightened feeling of insecurity when it comes to their desire to look good, if not for others, at least for themselves. Then again, it is the harsh reality.
Words once spoken/written are out of the control of the speaker /author. Then it is at the mercy of the comprehending abilities of the ones who hear or read it to interpret it. Similarly, whatever may be the objective of a woman who dresses up, be it for her own satisfaction or to feel good by the acknowledgement she receives, by way of appreciative looks, words or gestures of her loved ones or well wishers; the fact remains that she is open to the gaze of unknown people too. She may have a valid apprehension about the lascivious thoughts that might cross the minds of the gazers/oglers, but then again she should have the knowledge that it is beyond her control. Ideally such deviant behaviour is unacceptable in a civilised society. However, any amount of fervent wishes is not going to change the reality that the society would always have representative samples of aberrations of human behaviour.
Women must learn to take it in their stride.
If we look at the west, such incidents are not any less there either. Italians are known to be bottom pinchers. Cat calls and whistles are not too uncommon.
Attitude is highly individualistic and one cannot instill a mass change in attitude unless it comes from within. The answer lies within each individual, the balance to be struck on one’s own. Morality is something for which boundaries cannot be set. Any amount of law enforcement also will not do the trick. Ideally Self-imposed restraint is the acceptable method in modern society. Then again, it remains just that- an unachievable utopian situation.
I don’t think the biological identities create an intrinsically different set of strengths or weaknesses in a man and woman by birth. It is for the women to shed the garb of traditional femininity and explore her nature. So there is no reason why a woman should curb her desire to look good.
Go out there and enjoy life, for, if you think you can do so only after the male species learns to behave, you would be the one who would end up the loser.
Don’t be afraid of the male gaze, know it, accept it and deal with it.
Hi Ajayan.
Thanks for writing in. You have expressed your thoughts on the subject very well. The language and the expression were very eloquent. While it is not possible to have an ideal world there must atleast be someone who poses this question to one and all time and again as things will go to the back burner as soon as the rumble abt one incident dies down. We are here to hope for a more equitable world and while wht you say is the practical way to deal with things l do believe that atleast in India still the woman has not yet become sufficiently empowered to deal with these situations well enough. I hope it will one day come to that for all.
Hi Shalini,
Your articles reflect your emotions. I can sense how angry you are thinking about what happened to your friend, by reading your article. It is a sensitive topic where the argument continues between Men (Mars) and Woman (Venus) on who is right / wrong. Nevertheless, I completely agree a beautiful woman is a source of motivation for men:) and men express their admiration in different ways. In this case, this guy has done it in the wrong way, perhaps due to his cultural background or he was just having fun. What I must say is even if we have 10 John Abrahams walking on the road, a woman would never dare to put his photo on the net (exceptions are there:) here too). But there is no denial that women admire / drool too and some of them do crazy stuff if they like a good looking guy.
People look good to feel good and both sex wants to be appreciated by compliments that acknowledge their looks. Infact some good looking women I know get depressed if Men dont look at them:). Well as we say equal rights for both Men and Women in career, blah blah rights, when it comes to beauty, love, doing all crazy stuff it is also 60-40 on both sides. The 10% is higher with Men who sometimes go to extremes by teasing harmfully. As usual they need to nominate here too but still women also play an equal role in that. It is like 2 sides of the coin. I do feel sorry for this friend, but she needs to understanf that she should define her clothes according to the place she is in. A woman with a short skirt in a pub / party with close friends is much safer than the one who is walking on the road. Noone stops her freedom, but i guess it is better to be a roman in rome..:)
Regards
Sulakshana (sulak)
Hi Sulakshana,
Thank you for ur commens on the post. Yes… every subject has two sides to it. When caught in the middle one cannot be too objective. Personally i think even the way one is brought up defines how one dresses. Without realising…because something is considered ok in the circles that you know…u might unwittingly find urself in the middle of an unholy mess. As always man-woman relationships, the position of each within that relationship is always a topic that not all people will have a convergent view on. Each to his/her own.
As always… pleasure to read ur comments.
Though it’s an often discussed topic, this article is good. It’s good because it starts with a real life example and poses a few questions for us to think about. If someone exposes sensually, anybody can look, or rather stare as long as they want. But, it’s wrong on the guys’ part to take pics and post it elsewhere, with a notion of perversion.
Even, we as women, are a lil double minded and unsure of how to handle/digest a situation. If I wear body hugging top, I make sure it is sensual, and not popping out..you knw what I mean!? Still, when people stare/drool at my bosom, I get a lil irritated. It’s strange, but not sure why we all get irritated when stared at, while we’re the ones that’ve garnered attention to private parts. Well, we’re not that open minded yet..both men and women. Period!
Hi Shobana.
Thank you for writing in. I know its an often discussed topic but tends to get no answers. Even if women dress up sensually, I think there is a different notion in the heads of both sexes. For women, sensual is not equal to sexual (as in physical alone) whereas for men… it does look like they think only of the physical. Well… I do think I will be starting another uproar on the issue.
Thanks again for writing in.
I love seeing beautiful women wearing their sarees deep down below their navels. Not only that. I insist that my wife to wears her sarees like that with sleeveless,backless and low front necked blouses. Recently i got my wife to have her navel pearced to have a lovely diamond ring on it. I feel very happy and proud when people gaze at her lovely figure, hear navel and of course the curves of her boobs. The goodness is she is not shy and all the more bold in her outlook. I insist that she does not cover her beauty behind her saree if she is being watched. I have seen many beautiful women wearing sarees dangerously low, but keep covering the navels when being watched in public. I often ask my wife why such women wear sarees deep below their navels only to hide from the public gaze. Its my firm belief that beauty is for showing – and not for hiding. I welcome sincere comments from any readers whether good or bad. I dont mind discussing the issue even by email to me on : removed by administrator. I wish to post my wife’s photos on the web, but don’t know how to do it. But am sure that very soon I will post the photos for the world to see and hope to receive sincere comments from readers and viewers.
I appreciate your comment. However, this blog/blog post is not about exhibitionism, and discussing about your wife and how good she looks/how open she is is uncalled for over here. There are millions of other blogs/forums that will happily welcome such explicit comments. So, please try your luck over there, and share your thoughts, photos or videos, or whatever.